Man Accuses Chess Champion of "Caffeinated" Doping
A Special Decaf Edition
Hold on to your mugs. In a stunning development that has shocked both chess fans and the specialty coffee industry (many of whom happen to be the same people), an unnamed whistle blower has stepped forward claiming indisputable proof that world chess champion, Magnus Carlsen, has been doping using nothing other than highly concentrated shots of espresso.
"These aren't your run of the mill Starbucks lattes" the man stated behind close doors in a Russian hotel, "This is high altitude Ethiopian engineering, Man."
Asked what proof he could offer for such a startling claim, he said it all started when he noticed an Intelligentsia logo on Carlsen's cup.
"It's crazy, right?" The man continued, "Here he is hitting the player clock, and after every move, he's downing another shot from this little tea cup thingy."
Other tournament contenders had varying responses.
"Honestly I'm not surprised." One semi-finalist said, "He'd be the happiest guy on the planet towards the start of every match, then towards the end you'd swear he didn't know where, who, or what he was. But by that time, your queen was gone, so it didn't matter."
"I thought he was a genius," another contender said, "but he was only caffeinated. Sad."
"But isn't this what chess is all about?" Another player countered, "That cafe is his first move. He's playing before the match even begins. It's brilliant."
ESPN's Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless recently entered into a shouting match over what they called mandatory coffee breathalyzer tests.
"HOW MUCH CREAM DO THEY NEED TO BYPASS THAT?!" Stephen A. Yelled at the camera, "FOUR OUNCES?! FIVE?! C'MON, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME!!"
World Chess Federation President Kirsan Nikolayevich spoke with us over the phone prior to publication. "What was once a pick-me up for young moms, college students and people who aren't very smart, will now become the drug enhancer of choice for all players. I'm just glad this didn't happen prior to now. I mean, imagine Bobby Fischer with a cappuccino. Scary."
Starbucks owner Howard Schultz and specialty coffee leaders from Portland, San Francisco and Seattle held a summit in Los Angeles Friday, in what many are calling unprecedented and surely a sign of desperate times.
"I knew this would happen eventually," Schultz said, "the specialty industry just had to keep pressing the espresso boundaries, over and over and over. Can we just quit it with the high extraction percentages? This is like Robert Downey Jr. in Avengers: Age of Ultron; sometimes you just have to know when to stop."
At the time of this writing, Magnus Carlsen declined to comment. However, it was reported that he was recently spotted on holiday in New York making an order at a Dunkin' Donuts drive through.
He wasn't handed any donuts.
Decaf Edition is a lighthearted attempt by the Redemption Coffee team to escape the demands and routine of work life in the specialty coffee industry.